TORTURE A TURTLE, STRANGLE A SKUNK

A yard spray is “manufactured for” Farnham Pet Products which is somehow related to Central Garden & Pet Company which is labeled Adams Yard Spray (Whew!). Screw it onto a garden hose and it sprays just fine. Coverage capacity is a secret but, hey, the bottle has a clear sighting strip so you can monitor how much product is left…uh, no you can’t. The sighting strip is on thr front of the container (You think I am making this up, don’t you?), proving that no Adams/Central/Farnham employee has ever used this stuff. Note: Aw, don’t sell them packaging engineers short. If packaging engineers can configure 6-pack rings so suited to strangling sea turtles, and Yoplait yogurt cutesy backwards containers/death traps for baby skunks, squirrels, raccoon, opossums, etc., why, packaging engineers can Find A Way to stand in front of a pesticide nozzle.

Dishonorable mention: PAKTECH-OPL.COM produces rings to hold juice, peroxide, and rubbing alcohol bottles in pairs. These little horrors are hard plastic, replete with teeth to engage the bottle neck. They’re a bitch to remove. When they grab a small animal’s neck they add cutting and bleeding to the strangling creature’s misery. If Adams/Farnham/Central bottles are stupid, PAKTECH-OPL.COM pairing rings are insane. Welch’s juice and Member’s Mark toiletries use them. Welch’s and Walmart are usually responsive to consumer complaints; please join me in this. What Walmart does, the union dues dummies will follow.

Note: Feminists finally figured out that Yoplait yogurt cutesy backwards containers/small animal death traps were designed for them, which is why they cancelled the next Million Mom March For Late-Term/Partial-Birth Infanticide and will instead protest Yoplait yogurt cutsey backwards container/small animal suffocation devices…just kidding. By the next time some broad says, “Awww…” when shown footage of still more baby mammals slowly dying in Yoplait yogurt cutsey backwards container/small animal slow suffocation-strangulation devices, check out her refrigerator. Then tell her to shut the fuck up.

P(m)s: The Yoplait yogurt cutsey backwards container/small animal slow suffocation-strangulation device has a punt (with a “p”). Translation: deceptive packaging. Empowered” women buy it anyway. Hear me roar.

Onna plus side: The Olympic Committee now has a way to sex athletes. If it buys Yoplait yogurt cutsey backwards container/small animal slow suffocation-strangulation devices, it’s a g…g…g…girl. It if buys Yoplait yogurt cutsey backwards container/small animal slow suffocation-strangulation devices and want to punch you in the face, it’s a b…b…b…bloated girl. Do-dah.

Leave a Reply