As a meanspirited republicanuntiltheybecamehaplessandgutless, I am generally opposed to yet more rules, but I would support legislation requiring manufacturers to use their products. That way, Little Debbie’s Dad would know that her chocolate donut icing melts at room temperature, Rockport Shoe Company would discover that suction cup coles track in suction cupfuls of dirt, and the housewife-engineers who make homeowner-grade pressure washer would learn that heavy equipment wants to be drawn, not pushed like a grocery cart, on lawns, gravel driveways, and other uneven terrain. (pulling instead of pushing also keeps the hoses from getting underfoot. Duh.) For guidance, behold any locomotive, which pulls rather than pushes its charges whenever possible. Note: a Ford once pulled a train, but that was 36 years ago.

Q: Is this the same Ford that fears flying but commutes to Hawaii?

A: The same. (and you thought Little Debbie was a sticky mess)

Q: How?

A: Tor Highertail set up the Con-tiki Skank Shuttle many moons ago.

Q: Where’ve you been? The S.S. Con-Tiki has been replaced by H.H. Hirono, which ferries illegal aliens who make it to the Aloha State to N.H.J.* with O.P.M**

Gillibrand Glossary H.H.: Haole Hoekboot

*Not Her Jurisdiction

**Other People’s Money

P.S.: Upon arrival, Dr. Ford stated that she did not know where she was, had no idea how she got there, had only one beer, and asked to borrow a pair of land legs. “She is a woman; she must be believed”, said a woman who once claimed to be more than .01% Slapaho. Look it up.

Note: The cumbaya crowd is encouraged to contribute to, administered by P. Fleming-Warren, with a .01% of the proceeds promised to starving Slapahos who are forced to fornicate at the Hilo Hyatt-Regency Hotel. Aloha.

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